


What started with tumblr

by AngelUnderneath



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Confused Dean, Friendship/Love, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Profound Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 02:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelUnderneath/pseuds/AngelUnderneath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam makes fun of Dean for what he’s found on a fan site. Castiel appears and is a little confused at why it has to stay on tumblr. But why did Castiel appear anyway and is he hiding something from Dean?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first Supernatural fic, still working on getting the characters right. So please don't judge too harshly but comments are welcome if there is anything you think I could improve on. It's admittedly not my best work but hey everyone's got to start somewhere.

“What the hell.” Dean said looking at Sam’s laptop screen, his brother had eventually told him he’d given Chuck permission to keep writing the Supernatural books. So Dean had taken it upon himself to find out what the writer had decided to include about his life.

What he had found didn’t give him much hope, from what he could make sense of Chuck had included the whole angels, demons, apocalypse fiasco, but that wasn’t what had caught his attention. The fans had a new pairing, or ship as they apparently called it, if Dean remembered correctly from the convention this must be some of that ‘homoerotic subtext of supernatural’, and this site, tumblr, was full of it amongst other things.

“Sam!” Dean called but before he could even regret his decision to show his brother Sam was at his shoulder looking at the screen. “These people have no lives. I mean where do they even get this stuff?”

Sam was quiet for a moment as he read the post and took in some of the less ‘graphic’ pieces of fan art, he started to laugh. “You sound defensive, Dean.” He winked at his brother and patted him on the shoulder before moving away, “honestly man I’m happy for you, you make a lovely couple.”

“Don’t make me hurt you, Sammy.” Dean said looking at another post and shaking his head, if he was honest he preferred it a hell of a lot more to when they were pairing Sam and Dean together.  
He ignored the empty threat. “I mean I should have guessed. It’s pretty obvious.” Sam said raising an eyebrow at his brother.

Dean paused in his scrolling and looked up, “What are you talking about?”  
Sam just smiled walking over to the table where their case information was and flicking through the pages. “I just mean that it’s obvious that you both care about each other,” his smile turning to a sly grin as he continued “you know with that profound bond and everything.”  
“That doesn’t mean I’m in love with the guy. Jesus.” Dean’s expression only encouraging Sam’s pestering.

“Nope it’s Castiel. You think you’d remember your own boyfriend’s name.” He looked over his shoulder at Dean and gave an exaggerated sigh. “Honestly Dean, I’m your brother and I love you I know you better than anyone and apparently a little better than you know yourself at the minute. I don’t care who you screw.” 

“Stop being a girl. And stop implying that I’m gay I think I know myself well enough to know that.” Though he’d never actually given it much thought, he’d always gone for the girls the pretty ones, blondes, brunettes, redheads whatever, but Cas was different he was his friend. The only real one he’d had and yes that meant Dean cared about him more than most other people but he’d never thought that that was anything but ordinary. And he wasn’t going to let Sam put all sorts of crazy ideas into his head.  
One of Dean’s cell phones hit the back of Sam’s head. “Hey!” 

“Are you ok?” a voice said from behind Dean causing him to jump.  
“God Cas, don’t do that!” Dean shouted eyes wide in surprise, the laptop on his knee momentarily forgotten.  
“The voice said that I had no minutes remaining and so I couldn’t call ahead.” Castiel said looking at Sam’s highly amused expression with confusion.

“Castiel! What a pleasant surprise, what brings you here?” Sam said cheerfully, further confusing Castiel with his sudden change in character.  
“Social call,” he said unconvincingly, his eyes landing on the laptop on Dean’s lap, he started reading the screen over Dean’s shoulder as he spoke. “Dean, is your brother intoxicated?” Dean gave a short chuckle as he looked up at his brother.

Sam noticed what Castiel was doing and paused not wanting to alert Dean who was watching him and not the angel at his shoulder, “You’re just in time. Dean has been doing some…” he paused searching for an appropriate word “… interesting research.”

“I don’t understand.” Castiel said looking at Dean as he slammed the laptop shut. “I do not remember ‘moving my lips up your neck to your lips where we kissed with a passion unknown to both heaven and hell’.” 

Dean groaned, his head in his hands, while Sam fell onto his bed in fits of laughter. “Wow. Just wow.” Sam said wiping tears from his eyes.  
“I didn’t happen and it is not going to happen,” the last part being said for his brother’s benefit more than Castiel’s. “Cas back me up here, tell him.” Dean’s face was becoming redder, from embarrassment or annoyance Sam neither knew nor cared. 

“I am an Angel Dean not a Prophet.” Castiel stated, expression showing no hint of a joke. Dean just looked at his friend with wide eyed confusion, while Sam just grinned at them from his bed. When no one spoke Castiel attempted to explain himself. “I cannot see the future but it is always possible that a path could be taken that would lead to this outcome, I believe it is why some humans have the saying ‘anything is possible’.”

“Sam.” Dean didn’t look at his brother as he spoke, “can you give us a minute?”  
“You don’t-” Castiel started but Dean raised his hand towards him in a gesture to stop him from saying anymore.  
“Yeah of course you two need some time alone.” Sam said as he stepped out of the motel room door, pointing at Castiel and giving his brother an exaggerated wink. A beer bottle smashed against the door as it shut quickly behind Sam.

After the noise of the shattering glass there was silence as Angel and Hunter looked at each other, Castiel waiting for Dean to speak and Dean not knowing where to start. He put the laptop aside and walked around the bed to stand facing his friend, he leaned against the closet door in an attempt to act casual.  
“Cas saying stuff like that might give people the wrong idea.” Dean was struggling with his words, he didn’t actually know why he felt the need to say this, maybe Sam was right he was getting defensive about the subject.

“About what? What did I say that was wrong?” Castiel asked his blue eyes unblinking, in a way that if it was anyone else Dean may have felt uncomfortable.  
“About us. You and I, we’re friends Cas and friends don’t do that kind of thing. Ok?” He was trying to avoid eye contact because he didn’t trust himself when speaking to Castiel, he always felt completely at ease to spill his soul to the Angel. Which was probably not the best idea as he didn’t know what he would end up saying during the current conversation. “Honestly you’re probably, no you are the best friend I’ve had, I trust you and that’s-”

Castiel interrupted him “I’m honoured Dean, truly but” he sighed and managed to catch Dean’s eye again “ever since I came to Earth, to you, I’ve been changing, becoming more human.” Dean was silent as his friend continued. “I still have my grace, I am still an Angel but I’m different. Angels do have emotions” Dean raised his eyebrow at that, Castiel saw the expression, “they do they’re just assbuts about expressing them.” Despite himself Dean’s lips curled up at the edges.

“Unless it’s anger or something, Zachariah had that one to a tee. And don’t even get me started on Lucifer.” Dean interrupted not being able to help the spiteful comment that came from his mouth.  
“I cared for my brothers.” He paused shortly as if in thought, “we can love. I can love, like humans can. I am still trying to understand but it is something I believe my father could not even comprehend, a humans capacity for love has the ability to overcome most else.” With each word he seemed to become more relaxed, his tense manor dissolving as he believed he was getting his point across, though Dean was having trouble seeing what it was his friend was trying to tell him.

“Why are you telling me this? Are you leaving or something? Is that it? Giving the whole ‘I must love you and leave you’ crap.” He didn’t know where the sudden anger had come from but he managed to reel in his temper before it ran away with him, he was jumping to conclusions.  
Castiel was unfazed by Dean’s outburst, “Just promise me something?” he pleaded taking a step forwards.  
“Cas-”

“Promise me,” he paused looking into Dean’s eyes as he asked, “that you you’ll forgive me. For what I’ve done, for what I’m about to do.”  
“What have you done? Dude you’re starting to scare me.”  
“Dean?” Dean had never heard Castiel so desperate.  
The look in the Angel’s eyes melted Dean’s resolve, “Alright, yeah I promise. Of course I promise but wh-” his words caught in his throat. Castiel leaned forward until their noses were nearly touching his hands flat on the wardrobe either side of Dean’s head. Dean didn’t move, he didn’t think he could even if he wanted to and he didn’t want to.

Dean’s eyes never left Castiel’s, he could feel the Angel’s breath mingling with his own. Then it happened Castiel’s lips grazed Dean’s, so light and fleeting that for a second he doubted it had actually happened. It left him wanting more, his hand moved up to the back of Castiel’s neck only to have him ripped from his grasp and thrown backwards. The look of shock across the Angel’s face the last thing Dean saw of him before his Angel disappeared in midair. Dean stood paralysed the echo of Castiel calling out to him as he was taken resonating through his mind. 

“Cas,” his voice cracked, he tried again stronger this time. “Castiel!”  
He stepped forward looking around the room, now empty of Angelic presence. Dean sat on the edge of his bed running a hand through his hair, trying to piece together what had happened if Cas had been trying to warn him about something. “Son of a bitch.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set before the previous chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this quite quickly and in one sitting, I haven't had time to read over it again so there are likely to mistakes. I'll go over it soon and edit if I have the time. Thanks for reading, I hope I'm going the right way with this.

\---Earlier that day---  
Castiel opened his eyes, a light almost blinding to the eyes of his vessel was shining all around him. The light subsided and he could see rows of Angels, some standing some sitting, surrounding him at every angle, some familiar faces standing out from the crowd though none he was particularly happy to see.   
“Castiel.” The voice drew his attention, his head snapped to face forwards and he attempted to stand to his full height only to realise he’d been shackled to the floor. He dropped down onto his knees hard, keeping his eyes on the source of the voice. Raphael.   
“Raphael.” Castiel spat looking up at the archangel.   
“Do you know why we have called you here?” Raphael spread his arms gesturing to the congregation.   
“I don’t.”  
“Oh really, you can’t think of any reason why we would have to summon you for a trial. But then, we have only had 3 similar trials in the last millennia.” Raphael tilted his head in a way similar to Castiel’s own mannerism but it was less about confusion and more about waiting for Castiel’s reaction.

Castiel took another look round the room and everything fell into place, he had been to a trail like this, he had watched feeling nothing for the angel on trial. He’d believed that the angel had been in the wrong but he still had not believed that they deserved the punishment they suffered.   
“I understand, but you are mistaken.” Castiel said pulling his arms against his restraints.   
“You understand? Then you must know that what you have done is a punishable offence. This is a problem that must be amended.” Raphael sat down, fingers drumming on the arm rest.  
“I have done nothing. Any feelings I may have towards him are completely platonic.” From the look on Raphael’s expression and by the noises of derision coming from the other angels present, Castiel knew his words were not being taken seriously. He thought of Dean and his innocence in the matter, he had no idea the trouble Castiel had landed him in.   
“You know the drill Castiel. Angel and human relationships are punishable by death on both parts. You know this yet you still risked his life, that’s very selfish of you Castiel.”  
“We are friends. My feelings can be ignored as long as they remain unrequited.” Castiel’s voice didn’t falter though the topic was reaching painful territory.  
“If only that were true.” Raphael turned to an angel to his left, “Jehoel, tell him why we can’t allow this to continue.” Raphael obviously not above making others say his words for him, as a show of the power he now commanded in heaven. 

“It’s your grace, Castiel. It is obvious, your feelings for the human.” Jehoel started, not as confident in what he was saying as Raphael. “And his feelings for you are not to be ignored though they can be harder for us to detect, they have not been missed.” Castiel had stayed quiet through his speech but as he went to speak Jehoel raised his voice as to not be interrupted. “You have rebelled before Castiel and many have followed your example but this is not something we can overlook, this is not an example you will be allowed to set. You must end whatever it is you have with that human or we will dispose of him, and anyone who gets in our way.”  
Raphael raised his hand, “Thank you Jehoel, that’s quite enough. Castiel you seem quiet, do you not have anything to say on the matter?”  
Castiel looked up at the Archangel, “These are just words Raphael. How do I know that you will let him live if I leave him, if I’m not there to protect him and Sam.”   
“You don’t.” Raphael said simply, his expression remaining unchanged. “But considering our history I will propose a deal.”  
Something caught Castiel’s attention, a shadow moved behind the angels to his left, seemingly undetected. It was Balthazar. Castiel looked back at Raphael as to not bring unwanted attention to the angel, with so many angels together it would be difficult to pick out an individual from their grace unless it was particularly prominent.  
“I have already discussed with my council and we decided on a suitable agreement before the trial. We do not kill your human for his feelings,” he laughed harshly on the last word, “but you, you have a price to pay for his safety.”  
“Anything.” Castiel said fiercely, a contrast from his usual tone.   
“Don’t be so quick to decide.” Raphael said, though Castiel was unlikely to change his mind if it meant saving Dean from the fate he nearly condemned him to. “You will be condemned to lifelong servitude.”  
“Who’s life?” Castiel spat out.   
“Which ever ends first.” Raphael laughed louder, though there was no humour in his tone, knowing the power he himself wields and the likelihood of one angel against Raphael’s army. “Serving me would mean carrying out my will and obeying my every order. You would have no free will, no choice in your actions, they would become my own though your thoughts and” he paused as if looking for the correct word “feelings would remain your own. There is no longer room for rebellion in heaven, Castiel.” He looked down at the angel meeting his eyes, “Do we have a deal?”

Castiel looked away from Raphael an action the Archangel mistook for being intimidated, but that was far from what was in Castiel’s mind. He looked at Balthazar trying to convey his every thought into one look, he needed someone to tell Dean what he couldn’t, he just hoped the angel would help. Balthazar looked at Castiel for what felt like an age before nodding and with his signature grin turned to discreetly leave the room.  
“I will have to talk to Dean, tell him not to look for me. They won’t trust it from anyone else.” Castiel stated looking back at the Archangel in front of him, if he was going to make this deal he knew he’d likely never see the Winchesters again.   
“True, we don’t need them meddling in business that is not their own.” Raphael nodded.  
“As long as no harm comes to the Winchesters,” Castiel said pulling on his shackles one last time with pent up frustration from the situation.  
“I can promise no such thing Castiel, they are likely to get themselves in to all sorts of harm which I cannot prevent.” Raphael said, the sly smile growing on his lips.  
Castiel closed his eyes, they said they wouldn’t kill Dean, the punishment would not be the same Castiel would take it all. “We have a deal.”

Before Castiel was allowed to return to the Winchesters, he thought of what he would tell them, if he would tell them anything. It would take Balthazar a few days to track them down, if they’d continued to temporarily angel proof the places where they stayed. He did know one thing, he couldn’t leave Dean forever without doing something, anything, to show that this deal he had made wasn’t for nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I'm still trying to work out where I'm going with this so you may have to bear with me, hope you enjoy the new chapter. Thank you for reading. [Chapter has been edited]

“Dean, we can’t stay here forever.” Sam says from the chair by the wall.  
“He knows where we are Sam, when he comes back he’ll come here.” Dean didn't look up from his brother’s laptop, they’d had this conversation before. It had been four days since the night Castiel was taken. Dean had recounted everything multiple times to himself, wrote out all the conversation he could remember analysed any odd behaviour, which was very difficult with a subject as odd as Castiel.  
“Ok,” Sam said with a sigh, “Tell me everything you can remember about him the night he left. Maybe we can-”  
“He didn't leave, Sam.” Dean said glaring at his brother now. “He was taken.” He slammed the laptop shut not getting anywhere with researching angel lore, he didn't even know what he was looking for. “ I've told you what happened.”  
“No you've told me what you think I want to hear. You’re keeping something from me Dean. If you want me to help you find him you have to tell me what really happened.” Sam pushed his hand through his hair, it had gotten longer than ever and was constantly falling in his eyes. Dean had stayed silent, “Look I know you’re worried, I care about him too, if he was taken I want to know why and by who.” He stood picking up his cell phone and headed for the door, “I’m calling Bobby, see if he can help with what you've told me.”  
Dean watched the door shut behind his brother, seeing his shadow move past the frosted glass of the window. He reached under his pillow to where his growing stack of paper was hidden, though he was sure Sam knew it existed. Dean closed his eyes clutching the paper in his hands, he didn’t know how many times he had done this since Castiel had disappeared. “Cas, you there buddy?” He paused taking a breath, eyes still tight shut, “Wherever you are I’m going to find you. I’m going to bring you home. I know you can hear me, you’d better be listening. Just be ok, please.” He waited, like he always did, for some sort of sign and just like always one didn’t come. He sat cross legged on the bed, flattening out the pages in front of him. Scrawled handwriting slanted across the page, his notes covering the page in black ink and smudges, the same conversations written over and over again. Every action and detail Dean can remember including the kiss written on these pages as well as his own notes on what they could mean if anything. The space around the kiss was blank he didn't know what it meant but he knew it meant something, it did to him anyway. All he has managed to deduce is that Castiel had done something, something he thought Dean wouldn't approve of and it was something the angel thought was his only option. But Dean didn't know what it was, or how he was going to find out.

“Way to go Cassie.” Dean jumped up pulling a knife from his belt and pointing it at the source of the voice, he was shocked that someone had managed to creep up on him like that.  
Balthazar stood with an eyebrow raised watching the knife Dean had pulled on him, “now is that really how you greet a friend.”  
“What are you doing here Balthazar?” Dean said lowering the useless weapon and looking at the paper on the bed realising Balthazar had been reading over his shoulder, he moved to put them back under his pillow.  
“I’m not here to read your diary if that’s what you’re worried about.” Balthazar grinned moving around the bed as Dean stuffed the paper under his pillow. The angel was growled at in response. “As it happens I’m here on a rather serious matter.” Dean turned to see the angel’s face now stern matching his tone. “It’s Castiel.”  
Dean sat on the edge of the bed as Balthazar told him of the events in heaven, the trial and Castiel’s deal, the hunter didn’t notice his brother re-enter the room until he started to speak. “Is there a way to break the deal? To get Castiel out without Dean dying?” Dean jumped wondering for the second time in half an hour how people are managing to slip past him without his noticing.  
“Sam I-” Dean spoke up, not really knowing what he was trying to say, and relieved when Sam interrupts him.  
“Dean, it’s fine. I get it.” Sam said giving his brother a small smile. Dean just stayed quiet and looked back to Balthazar not sure if he ‘gets it’ himself.  
“Castiel has signed himself up for lifelong servitude.” Balthazar started, getting to the point of the visit.  
Dean had heard this before, he wanted answers, concrete answers that he could act on, “Yeah you’ve said that already but what-”  
“Who’s life?” Sam interrupted Dean’s outburst, what he said silenced Dean. He was thinking over everything Castiel had said. Did he ever imply that one of them will die? Is this what Castiel wanted forgiveness for? “If we kill Raphael, does Castiel go free?”  
Balthazar grinned at the taller of the Winchester brothers, “Now we’re getting somewhere.”  
****  
He felt his legs moving, feeling heavier with each step but he couldn’t stop them from walking their predetermined path. The muscles of his vessel obeying to someone else’s whim not his own. He could try and leave his vessel to find a new one, a more temporary one, but he was trapped. Trapped in the vessel like it was a full body straight jacket, he could struggle against it and be rewarded with nothing but tiredness and growing insanity. It was suffocating. It had been four days since the first time he’d felt this, so the sensation was by no means new to him but he was far comfortable with it.  
He appeared in a dark room that looked nothing like his surroundings had only moments ago, whether he had actually walked there or not he wasn’t sure, he guessed not. There was movement from the corner of the room, a flash of pale white coming into view. A young girl, who couldn’t have been older than ten, stood from a pile of sheets on the floor.  
“Castiel.” The little voice squeaked. “It’s… well it’s a surprise to see you my friend.” Castiel couldn’t help but think of the vessel Inias had occupied, it would be a shame to kill such a young human, her parents will worry about her. Until they find they body that is.  
“Inias.” Castiel nodded in the angel’s direction, “I’m here on behalf of Raphael.” He watched as shock crossed the face of his vessel.  
“But Castiel, I don't understand. I followed your lead. Heaven has become even more corrupt since your departure.” Castiel watched such words spilling from the child’s mouth, the words of an angel. He walked closer to Inias.  
“If I could change the circumstances I would,” he thought of Dean, of the prayers he hears but can’t answer no matter how hard he tries, “but I can’t.” He knelt down looking into the other angels borrowed eyes, his hand on the small shoulder. “I am sorry, Inias.”  
Inias opened his mouth to protest, to ask why, but he already knew why because Raphael had his name and was clearing up the messes. The noise that came from his mouth instead was the strangled scream of a child’s pain as the angel blade pierced the vessels skin. Castiel tried to close his eyes as the bright lights shone through the vessels eyes and mouth but he couldn’t, he had no more control over them then he had of his legs or arms. He watched until the lights dimmed and he was left holding the young girl, now empty of both angel and life.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been such a long time between updates, it'll probably be the same for the next chapter but I'm trying. Thanks for reading I hope it's ok.

“You boys will have to keep moving,” Balthazar told them “If I can find you there’s no saying who may be closing in on you.” Dean went to interrupt with the same argument he’d given Sam. “He won’t come back here Dean. You’re in more danger staying here and waiting for him, all matters of beings are likely to target you now you don’t have your guardian angel.”  
“We have you.” Sam said not too confident in his statement.  
“Oh how sweet, of course I am always willing to help a friend” he said grinning at the taller of the Winchesters, “but if you want me to find out what happened to Castiel then I can’t stay here babysitting the two of you.”  
Sam nodded once, “We’ll go to Bobby’s. His place is angel proofed”.  
Balthazar clapped his hands together and pushed himself off the wall. “Great I’ll head straight there if I find anything.”

All Bobby had done since they had got there was try and get as much information out of Sam about their situation and grumbled at Dean and his unwillingness to spill whatever it was that he was keeping from them. Sam hadn’t yet told Bobby everything he’d learnt from Balthazar slightly altering the facts but giving the same basic story, he thought he’d leave the exact details for Dean to tell when he was ready.  
“Give me some credit, boy. I’ve known ya' long enough and well enough at that, to know when ya’ keeping somethin' from me.” Bobby tried again while Dean took apart, cleaned and reassembled his gun again, Bobby had stopped counting after twelve repetitions.  
Dean looked up from the gun in his hands seeming like he was going to say something shook his head and returned to rubbing the barrel with his cloth. “Nothing. Doesn’t matter. Not important.” He mumbled more to himself than Bobby. He couldn’t deal with the questions, the suspicion, what he knew would make no difference anyway it wouldn’t help them find Cas. He started again on his gun after watching Bobby leave the room. He told himself time and time again ‘I should just tell them, it’s just Cas and his profound bond, nothing to do with me’ but he didn’t believe it, no matter how many times he said it.  
He was confused and not just about how to find Cas, more like the whole reason they’d landed in this mess in the first place. Why had Cas kissed him? was it some angel thing? He knew it wasn’t or he wouldn’t have given the whole speech about human emotion and love before it. Cas loved him, or so he thinks, that’s why the angels came down hard on him. He cares about the angel, of course he does, that’s what friends do. But what do you do when your best friend is in love with you and you have no way of communicating with them, no way of getting a reason why. Maybe then he’d understand. “Cas, why? Why me?” he started in a low whisper screwing his eyes shut, “I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to help you. I can’t let you suffer for this, for me. It’s not worth it, Cas, I hope you know that.” He didn’t know what else to say, it’s not like he was expecting a response. He didn’t know what he felt or thought, he didn’t know what Castiel wanted to hear, if anything, so he just said this, “Please just come home. I need you.” He hadn’t realised how true it was until the words had left his mouth, but once they had they became recognised, became real. He needed his angel.  
Bobby sighed cursing under his breath as he stood up and went to the kitchen to talk to Sam whilst waiting for Balthazar. Sam swigged from the bottle in his hand before looking at Bobby, “anything?”  
“Nope. Not talking just cleaning that damned gun again.” Bobby slumped into a chair at the table rubbing a rough hand over his face. “Ya think we can get that angel to tell us what he won’t?” He motioned his head to wear Dean was seated.  
“Oh I couldn’t possibly. Scouts honour.” Balthazar said appearing behind Bobby, making the hunter jolt and reach for a gun on instinct, releasing it upon realising who the visitor was.  
Dean appeared through the doorway and sat down on the chair opposite Bobby, “Any news on Cas?”  
Balthazar leaned against the countertop facing them all, “Your angel has been very busy. Raphael has him on a murder spree.” Sam looked over at his brother not sure what to read from his expression. “He is following Raphael’s will to dispose of any angels that may have followed his lead in rebelling against heaven.”  
“Cas wouldn’t do that. Come on, he can stop himself from going round ganking other angels!” Dean said not believing what Balthazar was telling him.  
“He’s already killed four of us, Dean.” Balthazar snapped back, “He’s dangerous. He has the power of heaven’s strongest behind him, sure he thinks like Cassie and talks like Cassie but his actions are all Raphael’s and there is next to nothing he can do to stop it.”  
“Except let me die.” Dean said turning a hard glare on the angel in front of him.  
“Yes except that.” Balthazar looked almost sad as he watched the hunter. “But he’s not going let that happen. He made this deal for a reason Dean so that you wouldn’t be harmed, he knew what he was getting himself in for.”  
“Wait, Balthazar,” Sam turned to the angel, “what you’ve done, you’re not working for heaven, could Castiel come after you?”  
Balthazar was quiet, Dean’s head turning to look between him and his brother, “Yes, it’s possible. Raphael probably knows about my dealings by now, but lover boy will have to catch me first.” Balthazar winked at Dean before jumping up off the counter to stand in the middle of the room. “Anyway, it’s likely that the next angel on Cassie’s list will be at this address,” he said flicking a piece of paper onto the table in front of Dean. “Oh and bring some of that Holy Oil you love so much, we leave tomorrow. I should be back by then but if not I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Balthazar turned his signature grin on the boys, “Always a pleasure boys.” He said winking at Dean before disappearing without a trace that he was ever there, save for the scrap of paper in Dean’s hand.  
All three were quiet, contemplating what had to be done, Bobby was the first to speak, “lover boy?” he asked looking at Dean with raised eyebrow.

Balthazar couldn’t remember where he’d stopped but all he could see was green and trees, he liked it. He heard the distinct sound of wings and feathers much too loud to belong to a bird, the only indication of his friend’s arrival. “Castiel,” he didn’t turn to face the other angel, “your friends are worried about you.”  
“I know.” Dean’s worried tone had been coming through in his prayer, the words he had heard earlier that day were still echoing around his head, in a way keeping him going. “This is the only way I knew how to keep them safe.” From his voice Balthazar knew Castiel hadn’t come any closer. “I don’t want to do this Balthazar, you understand?”  
“Not really,” his tone noncommittal “I don’t feel as you do.” He turned to face Castiel now who was closer than before. “If I ran could I get away?”  
“You couldn’t run forever. Raphael he…” Castiel sighed, “I wouldn’t stop, couldn’t stop, until you were dead.” Castiel’s hands were by his side, an angel blade grasped firmly in one. He was shaking slightly, an odd sight on an angel.  
“What’s wrong Cassie?” Balthazar asked soothingly ignoring the fact he was likely to be impaled at any moment.  
“I’m trying,” his eyes closed “to stop. I can’t. If I don’t. Dean.” He seemed to be under intense strain and Balthazar could only watch.  
He took a step back. “They’ll work something out, those hunters of yours. It’ll be ok Cassie.” Balthazar turned to leave while he believed Castiel to be otherwise occupied, but his smile faltered as he felt the hand on his arm.  
“I am sorry Balthazar, truly.” Castiel said, though the angel wasn’t going to respond as blinding light shone from his vessel. Castiel pulled the blade from his back and let it drop to the floor. Scorch marks in the shape of wings spread out from where Balthazar now lay on the forest floor, fallen leaves and branches scarred with the pattern. He knelt next to the now empty vessel watching as the light danced across its face, changing as the leaves on the trees above blew in the wind. Castiel didn’t know how long he had knelt over the vessel just thinking about what Balthazar had said, whether he should hold out hope that the Winchesters could indeed ‘work something out’ or whether he should pray to whatever was listening that they stayed away. When he was finally summoned back to Raphael he belatedly wished Balthazar’s vessel would be found and not left undiscovered to rot, it wouldn’t make a difference to what he had done but he still couldn’t help but wish it.


	5. Chapter 5

“Do you think Cas got to Balthazar?” Sam asked his brother, he knew they’d both been thinking it but neither had wanted to breach the subject. Dean didn’t respond, just sat watching the flames burning on the holy oil of the trap the angel was caught in. They were in an empty house, they assumed it had abandoned a long time ago judging by the thick layer of dust on almost every surface, Dean was sat on a dust-covered arm of a couch. The angel they had trapped had stopped his shouting about an hour or two ago deciding instead to stand at the centre of the circle arms crossed facing away from the two hunters. The angel believed that if he ran he’d get away and was very vocal with his opinion, Sam tried his best to explain that that wasn’t the case and they were trying to trap the one who was going to kill him, but they needed bait. 

They had been sitting in this house since just after sunrise, for Sam it had been a long day of enochian curse words and a silent brooding brother for company. “Dean?”  
Dean didn’t look up but still responded, “Yeah?” Sam hadn’t pushed Dean for answers but he wanted to know and believed Dean needed to admit the answer to himself too.

“Do you love him?” Sam asked, he knew that bringing this up with Dean now was like walking on thin ice, he could crack at any moment.  
“I’m not talking about this with you Sam.” He wasn’t shouting and Sam was somewhat surprised, but still he decided to push just a bit further.

“He loves you Dean. We wouldn’t be here, doing this now if he didn’t.” Dean stayed quiet. “I understand that it’s hard right now-”  
“What difference does it make?” Dean cut across his brother, “What’s the point?!” he sounded defeated. “It won’t change anything.”  
“He deserves to know the truth Dean.” Sam said watching his brother from the other side of the room, ignoring the now interested angel. “If he has to do this for much longer he’ll need to know the truth, no matter what that is.”

Dean groaned and dropped his head to his knees, rubbing the back of his head and neck. It was obvious to Sam, their feelings for each other, he only wished it could be that easy for Dean. To see that someone cared for him so much and to be able to show that he feels the same without worrying that he’ll fail them or scared that he’d lose them. When Dean spoke it was nothing more than a whisper, “I can’t do this Sammy.” His head was still on his knees so he didn’t see when Sam stood and walked over to him, he jumped when a hand rested on his shoulder. For a split second Dean was convinced that it was Cas and everything was as it had been before, then realisation came crashing down around him and he was looking up at Sam who was watching him as if he was going to break. 

“Don’t go givin’ me your puppy dog eyes. I’m fine.” Dean said schooling his features as if preparing for battle. Sam didn’t reply just squeezed his shoulder and left the room, probably to call Bobby about their lack of progress and lack of trench coat wearing angel. Dean rubbed his hand over his face and looked up meeting the quizzical gaze of the angel, the one he’d momentarily forgotten existed. “Look I know it’s hard to take your eyes off all this,” he said gesturing lamely to himself, “but d’ya mind not staring at me.” He snapped at the angel not caring if he sounded stupid, he wasn’t going to be gawked at like some animal in a zoo.

He heard Sam walk back into the room and lifted himself off the couch walking over to the table in the corner, “Cas?”

“What about him?” Dean said mistaking the question in Sam’s tone for his brother about to ask him for more details about his feelings for the angel.

“Hello Sam.” Castiel said from his place on the other side of the room, Dean hadn’t heard him appear but there was no mistaking that voice. Castiel avoided the other trap that had been set for him as if he had known where it was going to be. Dean just stood still watching him, the preparation had all been for nothing he couldn’t stop Castiel like this. With a flick of his wrist the fire keeping the angel captive blew out like a simple candle flame, the angel watched Castiel for a moment unsure of what to do. “Leave.” Castiel said to him, but still he did not move so he shouted, “Leave!” This time the angel obeyed disappearing from the room. 

“Cas, what’s going on?” Sam asked walking towards his brother, keeping his eyes on the angel as he went.  
“He is not a priority. I have new orders.” Castiel looked at Dean then for the first time since entering the room. Their eyes met and Dean’s chest ached, Castiel’s bright blue eyes looked so sad and almost desperate. 

“I’m sorry Dean.” Before Dean could ask what for, he was being thrown backwards into the wall hitting his head against it with a sickening crack. Sam watched as his brother’s body crumpled to the floor. He started moving towards Dean wanting to see some sign of his wellbeing but he couldn’t seem to get any closer, he felt like there was an invisible wall in front of him that he couldn’t push through and now that wall was moving against him pushing him back against the wall. The wall disappeared to be replaced by Castiel’s body, though smaller in size there was nothing Sam could do against the strength of an angel. Castiel’s hand was at Sam’s throat merely keeping him in place at this point, though Sam was clutching at Castiel’s wrist and sleeve trying to dislodge it all the same.

“Cas, let him go!” Dean was struggling to his feet looking slightly disorientated but still managing to get his words out without faltering.  
“I cannot.” Castiel huffed as if words were an effort, “It is not as simple as that. I have no free will.” Castiel couldn’t take his eyes off Sam as were his orders, have Dean watch his angel kill his brother, no deviation from the set instructions. 

Sam started talking to Castiel then, though the increasing pressure on his throat wasn’t making it easy, he was talking quietly reassuring Castiel that doesn’t have to do this and he can stop because he’s stronger than Raphael. Castiel wanted to believe it but his thoughts kept returning to Balthazar’s empty vessel lying on the forest floor, he had tried, he had not wanted to kill him. Castiel’s arm was shaking. “You can fight this Cas. I believe you can, Dean believes you can.” Sam was whispering now his breath brushing against Castiel’s face. Sam kept talking, Castiel kept battling with the internal struggle, Dean stood not knowing what to do until Cas managed to tilt his head slightly. 

“Cas tell me what to do?” Dean asked, he was completely at a loss, he knew he was no match for Cas and if he threw him against a wall again he might not come to in time to save Sam.  
“Dean!” Castiel shouted to him, “I need you-” his breath was becoming ragged his words strained, Dean started forward ready to be put to use, “kill me.”

Dean stopped in his tracks, “What? No! Dammit Cas! I’m not going to kill you. I can’t, no.” Dean shouted fighting the urge to throw the angel blade in his hand out the window to prove his point, though he knew it would get him nowhere.

“Dean. Listen to me.” Castiel snapped, Sam had stopped talking and was looking at the ceiling trying to get as much air into his lungs as was possible with a vice like grip on his windpipe. “I will kill Sam. I don’t want to, you must know that but I can’t stop.” He was trying so hard you could see it in his face, in the tensed muscles and the strain in his hands, he didn’t want to kill Sam. “Dean please.” His voice was pleading now, he wanted to be die before he killed someone else he cared for.

Sam voice sounded just as strained as Castiel’s as he gasped, “Cas. No.” Sam looked pained and rightly so but it wasn’t just that, he was being killed by his friend who’s in love with his brother who is watching the whole thing. They were never ones to do things by halves. Castiel’s breath hitched and his grip on Sam tightened, he was fighting hard but he was losing he’d done well to drag it out this long but soon Sam would stop breathing or his neck will snap, whichever comes first. Castiel shouted Dean’s name, then it happened Sam took the deepest breath he could manage and called out to Dean the way only Sam ever could.

Dean didn’t register what was happening as he took the last few steps towards them, everything was sounding too loud moving too fast. He placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder feeling the tense muscles under his fingers quivering with restraint, then all was still. Dean pulled the angel blade from Castiel’s back, he held the angel close and lowered him to the floor where he sat with him against his chest Castiel’s head resting on his shoulder. Dean looked at Sam over Castiel’s head, he was getting his breath back and trying to swallow again he rubbed a hand over his already bruised throat but was otherwise unharmed.

His arms were around Castiel and he was pulling him closer into him, “Cas.” He whispered into the angel’s ear shaking him slightly, “Cas, come on.” Dean was squeezing his arm, shaking him a harder now. “Please Cas. Don’t be dead.” Even to his own ears his words sounded pathetic, useless, but he couldn’t help but say them anyway, couldn’t stop them from escaping. A tear broke away from the welling in his eyes trailing down his cheek before falling onto Cas’ face, he lifted a hand wiping his own tears from his angel’s cheek with his thumb.

Sam shuffled to a kneeling position next to Dean, “Dean, where are his wings?” Sam looked around but there were no black wings stretched across the floor and he could have sworn there was no light coming from Castiel when Dean stabbed him. Dean couldn’t listen to Sam’s questions though, it wasn’t possible, he was dead Dean had stabbed him in the back with an angel blade he’d felt him go limp in his arms as had many of Dean’s kills before this one.  
“Well this is unexpected.” Raphael said from the middle of the room, Dean hadn’t heard him arrive though he hadn’t been very good at noticing the comings and goings of angels lately. “I seem to have overestimated you. If that was possible.”  
“What do you want Raphael?” Sam spoke up, his voice scratchy and cracking but not completely distorted. 

Raphael ignored the question, “I warned him. I warn them all. Humans are lower than scum and we must not let them be our downfall.” He took a step closer and as he did Dean’s hand tightened on Castiel’s arm. “But Castiel did not listen,” Raphael said looking down at Castiel with a tilt of his head as if they were under inspection, “he had to befriend them and then if that wasn’t enough he fell in love.” The look on Raphael’s face turned to one of complete disgust, “He turned his back on his own, made a mockery of us all with his ideas of emotion.”

“As much as I’m enjoying story time are you going to get to the point? Because god help me when I get up I’m going to rip your throat out with my teeth, you pretentious bastard.” Dean spat out glaring up at the archangel. 

“The point is that he was warned, told that his endeavour would be fruitless. But he refused to let you come to any harm because of these feelings he protected you. He rebelled against heaven, against his own kind, willingly signing away his life and free will for you, Dean.” He was calm yet aggressive and it was making Dean’s blood boil under his skin. “And what do you do Dean? You kill him. Stab him in the back at the first opportune moment.”

“I had to save Sam.” Dean snapped at him, he could no longer see Sam as he had ended up behind Raphael somehow, still leaning against the wall.  
Raphael didn’t pause to acknowledge Dean’s statement continuing the barrage of questions and accusations. “You manipulated him, made him think he was worth something to you so you could use him at your whim. Made him think that you cared for him and then tossing him away when his purpose was fulfilled.” Raphael leaned closer so he was leaning over Castiel. Dean was in a very vulnerable position the angel blade was no longer at his side and he wouldn’t be able to get out from under Castiel quick enough if he needed to. “You had him believe that he was somehow important, that you needed him.”

“I did need him!” Dean shouted, lowering his voice but still maintaining eye contact, “I do need him. I-” Dean felt something brush against his hand. 

“Stop. I do not care to hear what you have to say I have had enough of you Winchester, getting in the way of heaven’s duty to the Earth. You are a hindrance and I should have disposed of you much earlier.” Raphael said reaching a hand towards Dean.

Dean hadn’t been listening to what Raphael was saying, Cas had moved had touched his hand Dean was sure of it. Dean was touching his cheek now stroking along his cheekbone with a thumb, he whispered his name begging him to just open his eyes.

Dean lets go of Castiel as the pain starts, growing from his stomach it sent shooting pains through to his back, Castiel slide onto the floor next to Dean as he curled up in a ball. His head felt like it was splitting down the middle whilst simultaneously being drilled through on both sides, his lungs started filling with liquid and his heart felt like there was a hand around it squeezing it in irregular patterns. He didn’t know whether his heart was going to give out, he was going to drown or he’d black out from the pain before either. The pain stopped almost as quickly as it had started, Dean stayed curled up for a few seconds as if to test that there was no new wave of pain on its way. He looked up to see Sam above Raphael who was now face down on the floor the blade buried in his back, Sam stepped over Raphael’s vessel and stumbled over to where Dean still sat on the floor. 

He fell to his knees next to his brother and pulled him into his arms, “I thought I was going to lose you as well.” Sam muttered into his shoulder, “I can’t lose you again Dean.”  
“It’s ok Sammy I’m here,” He squeezed his little brother patting his back, “see I’m still here.” Dean sighed into his brother’s hair. Sam nodded and pulled back¬¬ looking over at Castiel’s now still form, Dean watched his brother look between Raphael and Castiel. 

“Dean, Castiel isn’t dead.” Sam said watching Dean looking at Castiel next to them.  
“I know he touched me.” Dean didn’t have the energy to think if his words had came out the way he intended them to. He gently pulled Castiel to rest on his knees, moving his hand to hold the angel’s face, “Come on Cas. Wake up.” Nothing happened, Dean was starting to believe that they’d imagined it and he really was dead, after all he had stabbed him with an angel blade, a blade specifically made to kill his kind. 

Dean looked up at Sam about to voice his thoughts, how stupid they were to even hope that Castiel could survive what many before him couldn’t but Sam got there first, “Dean.”

Castiel had opened his eyes, those big blue eyes that Dean had started to think he’d never see again were looking up at them. He looked slightly disorientated at first before his gaze landed on Sam, “Dean?” Castiel still hadn’t moved from Dean’s arms but then he started to struggle, looking up at Dean with a blank expression, “Who are you?” Then sounding the closest to panic that Dean had ever heard him he turned back to Sam. “Sam, who’s Dean?” Sam stared at the angel mouth open in shock, not knowing what to say he looked to Dean who was at even more of a loss for words. 

“Cas,” Dean said moving a hand up Castiel’s arm, Castiel flinched away from the contact sitting up by himself and moving further away from him, “it’s me.”  
Bright blue eyes stared at him with not a hint of recognition before turning back to Sam and repeating himself, “Sam, who’s Dean?”  
“Cas it’s Dean, my brother.” Sam told him, pushing a hand through his hair then letting it flop back down, “He err-” Sam was struggling, “You well you kind of-”

Dean couldn’t bare it anymore, he didn’t want to see Cas’ confusion when Sam told him, didn’t want to see regret or disbelief, he didn’t think he could handle that after everything. “Sam, don’t. He’s been through enough.” Sam looked at his brother confused, “It’s better if he doesn’t remember.”  
Sam shook his head in disbelief at what he was hearing, “But you just-” Dean had never seen his brother struggle for words this much before. “But you know, you remember.”

“And I won’t forget.” He looked at his brother pointedly, Sam nodded his promise that he would not tell Castiel about them. Dean turned back to the angel who’d been watching the whole exchange with a confused expression that Dean hadn’t realised he’d missed seeing until that moment, he reached out a hand, “Hey Dean Winchester. You used to know me pretty well.” He smiled and stood as if on autopilot, walking out the house and to the impala parked a couple blocks away. He sat in the driver’s seat with his head on the steering wheel he punched the dashboard a few times before apologising to the car. 

Sam climbed in the passenger seat, “He’s still in the house, I just wanted to see if you were ok?” Usually Dean would have had some sort of sarcastic comeback or insult that meant avoiding the topic altogether but this time he just sat with his head against the seat and eyes closed.  
“I never got to tell him and now he doesn’t even know who I am.” Dean said holding his breath as if expecting Sam to laugh, though he couldn’t think of why he would.

“We'll work it out. If we can just find out how he survived-” Sam trailed off watching Dean's face, "He remembers me and what we do. It'll come back to him, Dean. He'll get to know you again." Dean knew what he was trying to say, Sam was trying to imply that even if Castiel didn't get his memories of Dean back there's always a chance that he can learn to love Dean again.  
"It was a fluke, Sam. I had my chance and I blew it." he sighed rubbing a hand across his jeans, "It's better off this way, he's safer. Less" he moved his hands in an attempt to gesture their situation, "complications." Dean's eyes were still closed, he refused to look at he pity he knew was on his brother's face. His hands balled into fists on his knees his eyes screwing up harder as if in pain then he said it, "I love him Sam," his voice came out as barely a whisper, he slumped in his chair, "and he doesn't even know who I am."  
Sam's hand was on his shoulder then. "I know, Dean. I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is the last chapter, I may do a sequel of sorts. I wrote this ending relatively quickly and it probably needs editing. I hope it's not too disappointing. Anyway, if you made it this far without abandoning ship crying about awful storylines and terrible writing then Thank You and I hope it was somewhat entertaining. Much Love x


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